HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
26th June 2015
Okay, perhaps not murder, but have you ever thought about committing a serious crime? Perhaps stealing a strawberry lance from Woolworths’ Pick ’n’ Mix section? Or shouting ‘Bus Wanker’ to the local scally wag? Or drawing a giant dust cock on a poor abandoned transit van? Well, look no further because here’s my top 5 steps on how you can successfully achieve this.
Be a male (women are welcome to attempt this rebellious act of criminality, however, you might need to hit your local GP for a stash of ‘roids).
Let the hair grow grow grow.
Go extreme with the beard, no half-hearted attempts. A more preferable option would be a hobo cut, by ‘cut’ I mean, just don’t trim / shape / tame it at all. Same with the head hair – have some fun with the occasional Man-Bun or two though – Leto made the ladies go weak at the knees for the Man-Bun during 2014.
Commit your crime.
Now is your chance. By this point, it’s six months on and you look like an amalgamation of a Jesus Wizard Hipster Hippie bloke. Make the crime count – I like to eat ten Müller Corners in one night, but don’t tell the police, they’ll be on to me for diddling the Tesco “maximum of two items per person” point-of-sale rule.
Reverse everything you’ve created over the past six months. Shave. Shave and trim like your life depends on it (do the pubes if you really want, who’s checking?).
Admire the result.
A completely different person, wouldn’t you agree?