Jun 26:15 Ian - How to Get Away with Murder (3)

Okay, perhaps not murder, but have you ever thought about committing a serious crime? Perhaps stealing a strawberry lance from Woolworths’ Pick ’n’ Mix section? Or shouting ‘Bus Wanker’ to the local scally wag? Or drawing a giant dust cock on a poor abandoned transit van? Well, look no further because here’s my top 5 steps on how you can successfully achieve this.

STEP 1

Be a male (women are welcome to attempt this rebellious act of criminality, however, you might need to hit your local GP for a stash of ‘roids).

Murder blog 1

STEP 2

Let the hair grow grow grow.

Go extreme with the beard, no half-hearted attempts. A more preferable option would be a hobo cut, by ‘cut’ I mean, just don’t trim / shape / tame it at all. Same with the head hair – have some fun with the occasional Man-Bun or two though – Leto made the ladies go weak at the knees for the Man-Bun during 2014.

Murder blog 2

STEP 3

Commit your crime.

Now is your chance. By this point, it’s six months on and you look like an amalgamation of a Jesus Wizard Hipster Hippie bloke. Make the crime count – I like to eat ten Müller Corners in one night, but don’t tell the police, they’ll be on to me for diddling the Tesco “maximum of two items per person” point-of-sale rule.

 

STEP 4

SHAVE.

Reverse everything you’ve created over the past six months. Shave. Shave and trim like your life depends on it (do the pubes if you really want, who’s checking?).

 

STEP 5

Admire the result.

A completely different person, wouldn’t you agree?

Murder Blog 3