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MOBILE PHONES IN THEATRES (COUNTDOWN TO MURDER)

Louise Ault |

It is quite unbelievable to me how many people get out their mobile phones to text during live theatre, or have a chat to each other throughout.

Have we come to such a depressing time that people can’t sustain their attention spans for little over an hour until an interval to be on Facebook, text people or speak in general? They will still be there when the lights come up. The world will have not ended (well, it might have ended for you if you are unlucky enough to be sat near me and do any of these things.)

It’s hard to escape into the world the theatre creates for you if someone has their phone out with a bright screen lit up too.

Hamlet didn’t have a phone. He was fine without it.

In the last two weeks during every show I have attended (6) someone near me has got out their phone during the show and usually at a dramatic/sad/relevant moment to the plot. Unable to help myself I have felt obliged to politely ask them to put it away, to which they then usually look at me as if I am being rude.

The closer to the front you are, the even worse it is as you distract the actors too.

You must never distract an actor. Especially if they haven’t eaten. There’s no telling what they might do.

Theatre tickets, especially the West End, are pricey. Bully for you if you can afford to spend £65 on a ticket and then talk or text throughout. For a lot of people it is a once a year treat you are spoiling.

I long for the day a rule is put in place that ALL phones must be handed into lockers before a show or you can’t go in.

Hey, ‘CATS’ is coming back to the West End this Christmas. Why not get your phone out during that? You might find a 6 foot annoyed silver tabby in your face. Don’t mess with the cast of ‘CATS’. They spend 3 hours in lycra unitards. That’s enough to make anyone turn into a cold blooded killer at the best of times.

Alternatively, just get me there and I will take out a hammer and sort the phone problem for you.

Who’s next?…

 

 

The 4 Month Blur

Jonny Nelson |

So, I think the last thing I said might have been something about not waiting quite as long between blogs as I did between the first two.

If I’m not mistaken, that was about 4 months ago… so maybe I’ll avoid a catastrophe of empty promises this time around.

So what’s been going on in Nelson country?

EVERYTHING.

Well, some things, some things definitely happened. I’m still alive, so that’s a start… and someone said my skin was looking healthy the other day, so that’s always good to hear. I think it’s all the milk I’ve been drinking.

In absence of an original idea right now, I thought I’d give y’all a quick overview (Is y’all ok? Do people still say that? Did people ever say that? I’m not entirely convinced I put the apostrophe in the right place), anyway I could use the recap myself, so I’ve decided to filter through a series of Facebook pictures from the last few months. This could be a useful exercise for all involved.

So, according to social media, my June started with a bit of this (I spoke about sports equipment, it was riveting, shuttle cocks and all).

There was some of this (free suits, sweaty onesies, pocket squares, glamorous assistants. Thanking you, Moss Bros).

A spot of this… This was a mistake, don’t drink this, even on a friend’s birthday.

There was also this… This was not a mistake, I regret nothing about it.

This was the most alarming thing I’ve ever had crawl out of a snack. Thanking you, Morrisons (for the voucher and nice apology, not the initial visual trauma).

But this was far more upsetting, all considered. Like Seymour Hoffman wasn’t enough.

(A good reason for a morbid if not satisfying binge though. If you haven’t seen The Fisher King, The Bird Cage or World’s Greatest Dad, then you should get on that immediately)

 

Doing skits on the radio with this man has been an unexpected pleasure. Sitting on a train to London, pretending to be on a train to Glasgow, haplessly reporting on the Scottish referendum, was like an out of body experience.

I’d do it again tomorrow, Welsh Assembly, your move.

Looking after these majestic beasts for a week was physically and emotionally exhausting.

Especially when they look at you with eyes that say, “I’m going to poo in the tumble dryer.”

Getting involved here was EPIC, if not ever so slightly terrifying.

My favourite advice leading up to it was: “When you balls up, and you will balls up, just try not to think about the hundred thousand people listening.”

Confidence inspiring.

And doing a bit of this was a laugh, despite an unflattering polo shirt (that is, talking about tech for O2, as opposed to pouting into mirrors like a demented sociopath).

I think that paints a detailed enough picture of what I’ve been up to. Aside from maybe some ‘jargon busting’ for BT and a near-miss opportunity to travel the world.

I wish I would make the time to write more of these, so I could actually talk about something more useful and interesting, maybe that’s what I’ll do for Stoptober, cease procrastinating in my spare time. Abstinence from alcohol is less of an option, there’s a free bar networking event coming up, and in this difficult economic climate, it makes no financial sense to turn that down, but procrastinating, I could try doing less of that.

Now if you excuse me, it’s just been announced that they’re making another series of ‘Twin Peaks’, so I have a box set to annihilate.

Jonny x

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