RED 24 Management

Does it really matter?

Dave Baird | 23-01-12

When was the last time you saw a Hamster with bulging biceps? When was the last time you saw a horse with a six pack? Does your dog get up in the morning and do 20 abdominal crunches before breakfast? Does your local fox seek out only the choicest low fat macrobiotic morsels from the bins? Have you ever seen a cow look over its shoulder at a freshly laid pat and go “Hmm, think I need more fibre”? No? Then why are we so obsessed with it all?

Like most of you I began the year with renewed determination to get fit. Now, 3 weeks later, I’m bored of it. And I haven’t really done anything yet. I’ve actually become bored by the mere thought of being healthy. The prospect of doing exercise is seemingly so abhorrent to me that I would much rather simply sit and watch my arse steadily grow out around me. But does it really matter?

In the animal world having a decent layer of fat around you is not just desirable, but essential for survival. I’m not saying we should all strive to look like Michael Winner, but do we really have to kill ourselves trying to be like Busy Lizzie? (By the way, if you’re too young to remember Busy Lizzie you’re FAR too young to be worried about your weight).

Let us follow the example of our animal friends and just not worry about it so much. After all, the expression “Fit as a Butcher’s Dog” essentially means “Fit as something that eats a shed load of offal but rarely goes for a walk during business hours”. And I think that’s something we can all aspire to.

Mouth Watering Entertainment

Dave Baird | 16-01-12

I’m a big fan of football; love to watch it whenever I can. I saw some of the Rugby World Cup, The Ashes, Wimbledon, Red Bull’s stunning dominance of Formula One, all ruddy exciting in their own special way. But, when it comes to pure sporting drama, when you talk about tension, passion, edge of the seat, nerve jangling, mouth watering entertainment, nothing…and I mean absolutely NOTHING…even comes close to the Darts!

It astounds me that Darts is not a bigger sport. The BBC’s coverage of this year’s BDO world Finals has been more meagre than ever before, with live matches only being shown at the weekend…but what a weekend! Seriously, even if you’re thinking “Darts? Just a cheesy old pub game played by fat bastards and lung cancer victims” I defy you to watch the world final at the Lakeside Country club and not be screaming at the TV by the end of it.

The atmosphere is incredible, the passion and desire amazing and the skill on show is of a standard mere mortals can only ever dream of. You don’t even have to have a favourite player to support; the best thing about darts is that the balance of each match switches from one player to the other, and back again, not just set after set or leg after leg, but with each and every dart. In no other sport is the distance between success and failure so massive and yet so tiny. The highest score on the board (60) is separated from the lowest (1) by a wire less than 2mm thick.

This means you never know who’s going to win. Even if one player is miles in front, like Christian Kist was in last night’s final (he was leading 6-2), everything can change in the blink of an eye, like Tony O’Shea’s amazing fight back to 6-5 (before eventually losing 7-5).

I know it’s never going to be as big as the Premier League, it’s not going to get the coverage of the Ashes and broadcasters aren’t going to fight over the TV rights like they did with Formula One, but I implore you…next year make a date with the big lads at the Lakeside, it really is the sport of Kings!

Felled By Bacteria.

Dave Baird | 14-12-11

I’ve discovered something recently which, in retrospect, I should have noticed earlier. Being a voiceover is seriously bad for your health. Or rather, locking yourself in a cupboard detached from the outside world for 360 days a year is seriously bad for your health. Who’d have thunk it, eh?

It’s true though. But true in a way that will only make sense if you’ve ever read/heard/seen “The War of the Worlds”. For most of the last year I’ve barely met anyone new. To be honest I’ve barely met anyone old either, but certainly interaction with the general public has been kept to an absolute minimum. I even watched the Royal Wedding with the curtains drawn and the doors locked, just in case anyone got carried away and wanted to “Share a moment” with me.

However, for some reason, which I can only put down to cabin fever, stir craziness or what many people may refer to as “Life” I’ve actually ventured out of the house twice in the last 2 months to meet “New” people. Once at a weeklong writers residency with C-beebies (that I’ve blogged about before) and the second time at my girlfriend’s work Christmas party last week. And both times I’ve ended up feeling like absolute death!

In the manner of the Martians from H.G. Well’s classic (and yes it was a classic before Tom Cruise got hold of it) I, a seemingly strong healthy man, have been felled by those microscopic bastards we playfully call “germs”.

Oh, he’s got a cold, you might say, a touch of man flu, nothing that serious. Well, no. But that’s not the point is it? The point is I was absolutely fine until I went outside and met other people. Of course, you could argue that I used to be equally fine when I met different people all the time and therefore had an immune system strong enough to cope with “outsiders”…but that’s as maybe.

Still, on the upside at least I’m getting it out of the way before Christmas. Come the festive period itself I should be fit, healthy and ready to make the most of a traditional Baird family Christmas. Lock the doors, turn out the lights, move anything edible to within reaching distance and settle down to a whole week of complaining about how Christmas Telly just isn’t as good as it used to be…

Ah, bliss!

 

 

 

‘It’s A Great Time To Be A Family’

Dave Baird | 02-12-11

To be honest I’d kinda had enough of writing about TV adverts that really annoyed me. Then, last night, I saw the current ad for Windows 7 PC’s. You know, the one with the kid jazzing up his Dad’s PowerPoint presentation and then giving exactly the kind of smug grin that could get a man arrested for assault. All bearable enough. But then they wheel out the strapline and, oh my, it’s a corker.

“It’s a great time to be a family”.

Thanks Microsoft, that’s so good to know. I mean, up until now I’d always thought it was an utter pain in the ass to be related to other people. The whole process of my mammalian birth followed by the excruciating crapness of being looked after by parents that loved me. The septic pustulating excrement of a feeling that I got whilst enjoying special moments with my brothers, aunties, uncles Grandparents etc. The all consuming agony of not being alone in the universe. Yep, being part of a family was shit…until now!

Cos now we’ve all got a computer…with an operating system…that’s a little bit better than the one we used to have. And if that’s not what family is all about I just don’t know what is.